Now Is The Time

I always said when I knew it was the time I would know it. Yesterday was one of those days that somehow ended up with reflections of the past, present and future.

I had gone on Page Readers to give a interview with Nanci. I completely enjoyed being on her show. If you have not heard her shows I suggest you take a listen. We talked about my books especially Love And Laughter Trilogy and the cancer work I am involved in. Left me in a good mood. Reflections of the past of Sam was hard. As I stated just as think it is behind me it comes back. I will never forget the day I had found him. The day I watched him being placed in body body and the funeral home putting him on gurney and taking him out of our home, never to return. I will always remember the paramedics and how his body jumped when they tried to shock him back. I will remember that short lived moment when there was a small beat then how all went straight. How the dark clouds were now moving in. How my life was about to change.
Time is to heal all wounds. I truly believe sometimes wounds are cut in our hearts to ever completely heal.

It was to be a good afternoon. Someone whom I love dearly was about to see me again. Thanks to fate or mechanics in this case. I was left alone again. I am not sure if the interview of the book especially about Sam did it or the mechanics of machinery. As I sat down feeling kind of blue now, I had time to reflect over the past. That is about the time it hit and hit hard. I remembered a love so strong, one that was fought for to happen. At least I had that two years with him before he passed on. Never understood why, if it was fates idea of a cruel joke or a lesson life needed to teach me or simply part of my path that was to occur. My spirit guide still can't give me the answers I need or want. Now you think a 300 year old Cherokee Chief would know all by now. I am not sure if he knows or not or is just not willing to share for some reason.

As I looked out that window I thought of the tears I had shed. My life being sucked out of me. The deep wound in my heart and my spirit becoming lost. I remember a year later once again suffering that loss and wondering why it happened why did I really need to know this. Trying a new relationship only to be cut again and at the same time mind you. Two stab wounds to the heart is never a good thing. Then the devil came knocking on my door. I had to fight for my life. I even got told to put my affairs in order. Now you think with two men around you that say they love you would help. One simply ran away because as he had put it it was to much for him to bear. Somehow I find comedy in that line considering I was the one at 90 pounds, throwing up all the time, could hardly walk anymore or eat. I had to look in the mirror everyday wondering what happened to me and who the hell was looking back at me. The standard line of why me? That seems to be a favorite for us that dance with the devil. The other one, that one stayed by my side but was not much help. I basically got a how you feeling, now mind you this was usually after the tidy bowl man and I had another conference swirl there. How the hell do you think I feel. I got a pat on the head. Great not only am I dying I am now viewed as a St. Bernard or some old person you would feel guilty about putting them in a home. So you keep them with you and throw them a bone so to speak every now and then. I honestly felt like I was a leper. Not a great feeling here. Time moves on I go into remission and out more times than I can count.

I met the love of my life shortly after the worse round I ever had. Of course fate or whatever is out to get me. I ended up dancing with the devil. The man in black was here standing by that dam tree smirking away. Taking me into the rain, forcing me to dance for my soul. Mind you this loving man I had just met evidently is a stubborn one. He stood in that rain mist with me. When it rained harder I would of thought he would of opened his umbrella and leave for that shelter beyond the hill. Hell no the man had stood there in the pouring rain. Never opting the umbrella option. He danced with me when it rained harder, when the gusts of winds increased, when hell and damnation was hitting hard. I had asked him why? His answer because when you love someone you love them no matter what. Okay I better keep him on that note alone. Slowly one day the sun started to come through the rain, the storm had passed. There still was a mist but the rainbow could be seen. Then it all cleared. As I looked around I saw the man in black walking back towards the damp dark woods he had come from. I could of swore if just for a second he showed a smile. I mean smile, not his usual smirk. Then he was simply gone. I remember the pain still like yesterday. I wanted to jump off that cliff because looking down was peace and serenity. May not be a good thing to confess here from a woman who runs a support group for cancer but truthful. The basis of the group is to hold each other up but most importantly to give respect. Respect for the person who is dancing and accept there wishes. No matter how hard we want someone to fight in the end it is their choice. We can not say nor do we have the right to say how much pain can one person take. So as you know if your in the group we do what we have to at times, if its staying on phone all night long with someone because they are afraid to sleep. If it is holding their hand and attending the tidy bowl swirl conventions with them. Even if it means to let them go. Confession time from time to time I still look out that window to see if the man in black is there. When it is dark outside and it is twilight time and the children of the night are out....I look to see if he is there standing, standing by the tree. I wonder if he is still in those dark damp woods waiting to come again. It is a natural fear for us who have survived. We never really have our life back. We always have to keep checking for the devil, do all of our hocus pocus to keep him away.

Basically as I reflected I like many others who danced learned life is too short. You can not wait for the perfect time for something to occur. There may never be one. You take what you can get. If its not perfect timing you make the best out of it and make it work somehow. If you love someone truly I mean true love how I learned yep here she goes again with the Cherokee. When your alone at night and feel empty, your heart is aching your soul is longing for the one you love, tears silently fall or get misty eyed. Close your eyes and if you can picture that person and feel their touch that you felt the last time you were together its true love. With that first one kiss if it is true your souls will combine.
Two souls one heart shared. If you have goals and dreams do not let anyone say you can not do it. It does not matter if you succeed or not what matters is that you tried. Life is too short to live with regrets. Dead is dead. You can't undo that. So live for today and make your dreams part of your reality.

For those of us that danced with the devil. We survived his dance, his hail storms the winds, the rain from damnation, went to hell and came back. For those of us still dancing just turn around and look there will be somebody standing there, holding you up along the way. I know my significant other never strayed in the worse of storms and even brought me new heels when the ones I was wearing wore out. Put the fight back in my soul. Cherokee name is Wild Fire and for a long time I lost that part of me, the wild spirit, the desire to want, the love of heart, till now. For those of us who lost the dance and our now our angel friends we have not forgotten you. We hold you in our hearts daily and know you are there ready to help us dance if need be. I have been called an angel for what I do and remarkable. Here is a trade secret I am not angel I appreciate the name for it is a honor but I do what I do because that is me. My beliefs in my heritage keep me going. My friends that when they are not drinking the stupid water are actually terrific. The love of my life who has never strayed, always stood by me and actually reads what I write and helps me daily. If I am an angel I am flying on tattered wings OK I admit it that was a semi plug for Dancin With The Devil. Yet it is true.

I have cried so many tears for Sam they should have been 24kt gold, good thing they were not I hate gold. I had anger so deeply buried I never thought I could see light again. I loved and lost, been damaged by it. Till one day I found my heart and soul again. OK so the perfect man in my life did. Yes to me he is perfect and always will be.

On that note this saga ends. So live your life for you. Live your life your way regardless of what others think. Love if you have the chance, if you get that chance never let them go. If you need to dance or even need to understand about dancing with the devil because the bastard has come to some one you know whether it is a friend or family. There are those of us willing to help you along and understand what it is like to dance with the devil.

On the devil note I am asking everyone who wants to participate. Send me a email with just a few lines regarding cancer. Whether you are the one dancing or someone you know is or was. I will turn them into poems for Dancin With The Devil Till We Make It Right. I can not guarantee all will be used but will do my best. Send them to specialcircleoffriends@yahoo.com

Please come check out our support group. You do not need to understand the devil, if you just simply want to help by giving words of inspiration, a simple cooking recipe, a poem or just something short you wrote. It is all welcomed.
Now I will shut the hell help and go check and see how much stupid water was consumed this week.
Once again I would like to thank Nanci for having me as her guest. Please check out her radio show at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/page-readers

Our cancer support group is:

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/specialcircleoffriends/

Unfortunately our angel wall somehow got removed when tripod converted over. We still have site and I will be putting it up again shortly.

If you have someone that you lost due to cancer send us just their first name and we will put it on our angel friends page-readers

If you know someone dancin with the devil or even yourself submit us your first name and will be put on wall for those waiting for rainbows.

Send all notices to specialcircleoffriends@yahoo.com

Thank you

Yes now I am officially shutting the hell help and going away for now lol.